Saturday, November 27, 2010

A birthday limerick for my little cat

Shall you, cunning African serval
Be able to summon the nerve? Will
you soon say you've killed a feast?
Yes! It's a wildebeest!
So tasty with au jus and chervil. 

Monday, November 1, 2010

Yeah, but she cracked the Enigma. With attitude.

Locutus took on Maggie Estep
In a dissing war with this, his best step:
"Word," piped up the fly Borg
"Yo mama's so cyborg
She flunked out of her Turing Test prep."

Saturday, October 16, 2010

Whatever you quaff'll be not quite enoughful to clean your mouth free of that waffle

I'm cooking a troughful of waffle
They're awfully full of felafel
And German kartoffel
And organ meat offal
So rancid it should be unlawful

with thanks and apologies to Jan Hanseth

Friday, September 24, 2010

Word of the day

There once was a mayor named Eunice
Who favored a grand multimunic-
To form a small nation
By merging Chicago and Tunis.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Breaking the mold, or vice versa?

Me, howling: "Dead love, tell who killed you!"
Her: "If I remember it, will do!
But I fear I am going to
Fast disappoint you:
I'm sure I died chugging that milldew."

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Science is whatever we want it to be

The chemist was licking his chops.  He
thought he'd made a vaccine for the dropsy.  
But brewed from salamis,
No cure could it promise;
It only ensured an autopsy.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

And it's a sociology dissertation, too!

A postgrad need not be a TA
In order to cover her fee — A
worthwhile fiscal answer
Is work as a dancer!
No, not the nice kind who can plié.

Monday, September 13, 2010

Sometimes it takes a few tries.

A haunted thirteen year-old Aussie
Was exorcized under a cross.  He
went pale as Norwegians
Then belched, "We are Legions!
You can't spell 'possessed' without 'posse!'"

Sunday, September 12, 2010

He gave me a Leary look.

"No, officer, I'm not imbibin'"
I swore when he asked where have I been
"I booze less than yearly —
This flask here is merely
A liter of pure psilocybin."

Friday, September 3, 2010

I'm sorry in advance for this filthy piece of fanfic. But not sorry enough not to post it.

Up mountains whose clarity fog thwarts
Hermione snuck out of Hogwarts
Excited above would
Be miss Luna Lovegood
Dressed only in heels of Fluevog's sorts

What I think about whilst doing my "real" job

Come sleep, my kitten, here upon my lap
Your purring softly rattles like warm rain
I'll rub your belly while I grade this crap
Your love's the last resort that keeps me sane

My students fail at every nuance taught
Their sentences lack vital parts of speech
And so, sweet kitten, stay here in this spot
I'll daydream of what you'd be like to teach

You'd raise your little paw (to bat at thread)
You'd ask good questions — "When is lunch today?"
I'll pat you gently on your fuzzy head
In grasping tough ideas (or rather, prey)

I'd trade my students just to serve my cat
If only they'd give tenure out for that

Saturday, August 28, 2010

Carefully avoiding the word "cupid" does not pay the bills.

I'm a clever, yet poor fellow who, pid-
dly, earns less than old chums with their group id
My poet's heart says, "Your
cold money's no measure,"
But dammit, they're rich and yet stupid

Thursday, August 26, 2010

An Awful, Ahistorical Account

Born Benjamin, bright Boston's bulky boy
Commandingly came courting countries' change
Did destiny decline? Did death destroy?
Ethereal, eschewed 'e Earth's exchange

For further — fifty fathoms — Franklin flew
Gargantuan, gouged George (God's glorified)
He hurdled Heaven's high hullaballoo
'is independence it inspired inside

Jejune, Judge John Jay jeerèd joyfully
Kept kinship kindled, killed King's knowing knights
Less lethal letters lashed lads' loyalty
More minions marched, made Massachusetts' might

(Need narrative net nuance? Nail named's node:
Of oozing offal, or odiferous ode?)

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Must be the fumes.

We lounge in the steel mining pits erg-
onomincally while we eat grits.  Erg-
otism is common: we
've mold in our hominy!
That's how corn grows around Pittsburgh.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

On ice.

Wayne Gretzky, who's nicknamed "The Greatest"
Had nary a clue I'm a sadist
So with dark schadenfreude
I laughed, and destroyed a
Rare Stanley Cup won by that skatist

Poedo or poedo not; there is no poetry.

Bad poems? It's true that I write 'em
So christ'ning a blog to highlight 'em
Where rhymes were the cruelest
Was on my to-do list
But now I can check off that item