Shall I Compare Thee to a Cone of Fries?

Shall I compare thee to a cone of fries?
Thou art less salty and less full of grease.
Partake of them, however, and your thighs—
as well our love—will gradually increase.

Sometimes too hot we're given them to hold;
we chew with open mouths and tilt our head
and beg for water—beg for water cold
but wouldn't dream to spit them out instead.

But thy eternal hotness doth not cool,
though fries may come and go with passing years,
and though they thrill me'nough to make me drool
their succor is but brief: it disappears.

You're better than all taters I have known.
Just kidding. Get your own damn paper cone.

A Fauxhawk Via Magnetic Attraction; Delicious With Chips

"I'm having a really bad hair day,"

said famous old physicist Faraday.

"I'd lathered with benzene—

or so I'd thought—then seen

instead, I had used salsa verde."

That Dude Is a Wiseass

I'm in search of the perfect flambé
I've scoured París to Bombay
"It's now called Mumbai,"
Interrupted some guy
Continuing, "How bout Pompeii?"

Give Them What They Want

A masochist whom I called Max
Loved pain, loved restraints, and loved racks
He begged me for paraffin
So I took care of him
Doling out plenty of [whacks/wax]

A Western; probably a true story, too

There once was a young man named Jeremy

Who went to a brothel in Laramie

Six buff cowboys led

Him inside as he said,

"I thought this would be far more harem-y..."

Leaving Bub with a stub, after drub.

Chef Bub's chicken pub was a hub

And the shrub-living scrubs he'd not snub

But he flubbed the jerk rub,

Raised hubbub from a cub

Who then clubbed him for sub-tasty grub

A birthday limerick for my little cat

Shall you, cunning African serval

Be able to summon the nerve? Will

you soon say you've killed a feast?

Yes! It's a wildebeest!

So tasty with au jus and chervil. 

Yeah, but she cracked the Enigma. With attitude.

Locutus took on Maggie Estep

In a dissing war with this, his best step:

"Word," piped up the fly Borg

"Yo mama's so cyborg

She flunked out of her Turing Test prep."

Whatever you quaff'll be not quite enoughful to clean your mouth free of that waffle

I'm cooking a troughful of waffle

They're awfully full of felafel

And German kartoffel

And organ meat offal

So rancid it should be unlawful

with thanks and apologies to Jan Hanseth

Word of the day

There once was a mayor named Eunice

Who favored a grand multimunic-

ipalitization

To form a small nation

By merging Chicago and Tunis.

Breaking the mold, or vice versa?

Me, howling: "Dead love, tell who killed you!"

Her: "If I remember it, will do!

But I fear I am going to

Fast disappoint you:

I'm sure I died chugging that milldew."

Science is whatever we want it to be

The chemist was licking his chops.  He

thought he'd made a vaccine for the dropsy.  

But brewed from salamis,

No cure could it promise;

It only ensured an autopsy.

And it's a sociology dissertation, too!

A postgrad need not be a TA

In order to cover her fee — A

worthwhile fiscal answer

Is work as a dancer!

No, not the nice kind who can plié.

Sometimes it takes a few tries.

A haunted thirteen year-old Aussie

Was exorcized under a cross.  He

went pale as Norwegians

Then belched, "We are Legions!

You can't spell 'possessed' without 'posse!'"

He gave me a Leary look.

"No, officer, I'm not imbibin'"

I swore when he asked where have I been

"I booze less than yearly —

This flask here is merely

A liter of pure psilocybin."

I'm sorry in advance for this filthy piece of fanfic. But not sorry enough not to post it.

Up mountains whose clarity fog thwarts

Hermione snuck out of Hogwarts

Excited above would

Be miss Luna Lovegood

Dressed only in heels of Fluevog's sorts

What I think about whilst doing my "real" job

Come sleep, my kitten, here upon my lap

Your purring softly rattles like warm rain

I'll rub your belly while I grade this crap

Your love's the last resort that keeps me sane

My students fail at every nuance taught

Their sentences lack vital parts of speech

And so, sweet kitten, stay here in this spot

I'll daydream of what you'd be like to teach

You'd raise your little paw (to bat at thread)

You'd ask good questions — "When is lunch today?"

I'll pat you gently on your fuzzy head

In grasping tough ideas (or rather, prey)

I'd trade my students just to serve my cat

If only they'd give tenure out for that

Carefully avoiding the word "cupid" does not pay the bills.

I'm a clever, yet poor fellow who, pid-

dly, earns less than old chums with their group id

My poet's heart says, "Your

cold money's no measure,"

But dammit, they're rich and yet stupid

An Awful, Ahistorical Account

Born Benjamin, bright Boston's bulky boy

Commandingly came courting countries' change

Did destiny decline? Did death destroy?

Ethereal, eschewed 'e Earth's exchange

For further — fifty fathoms — Franklin flew

Gargantuan, gouged George (God's glorified)

He hurdled Heaven's high hullaballoo

'is independence it inspired inside

Jejune, Judge John Jay jeerèd joyfully

Kept kinship kindled, killed King's knowing knights

Less lethal letters lashed lads' loyalty

More minions marched, made Massachusetts' might

(Need narrative net nuance? Nail named's node:

Of oozing offal, or odiferous ode?)

Must be the fumes.

We lounge in the steel mining pits erg-

onomincally while we eat grits.  Erg-

otism is common: we

've mold in our hominy!

That's how corn grows around Pittsburgh.

On ice.

Wayne Gretzky, who's nicknamed "The Greatest"

Had nary a clue I'm a sadist

So with dark schadenfreude

I laughed, and destroyed a

Rare Stanley Cup won by that skatist

Poedo or poedo not; there is no poetry.

Bad poems? It's true that I write 'em

So christ'ning a blog to highlight 'em

Where rhymes were the cruelest

Was on my to-do list

But now I can check off that item